The real meat and potatoes of Classical Japanese is that conjugation table. What I want to do for you is bridge the back page of your modern Japanese conjugation tables with enough knowledge that you can jump tentatively from modern to classical rather than take a leap of faith and fall in a river.

The average learner's Japanese text book does NOT give you enough to work with to actually pivot to Classical with an adequate level of understanding of grammar.

Transcribing this PDF 日本語文法の基礎 page 10, from left to right...

All the words in the universe can be divided into about 10 groups:

付属語 dependent or bound or 自立語 independent words.

Among dependents, words are split based on whether they 1. 活用する conjugate 助動詞 bound auxiliaries 2. or not 助詞 post positional particles.

Independent words are also split based on whether they conjugate or not.

Non-conjugating words which cannot become modifiers are split based on function. 3. Non-modifiers which can stand on their own are 感動詞 exclamations 4. while words which connect things are called 接続詞 conjunctions.

Non-conjugating words which can become modifiers split based on whether they 5. modify inflected words 副詞 adverbs 6. or uninflected words 連体詞 adnominal adjective​s. 7. Words which can serve as the subject 主語 of a sentence are 名詞 nouns.

Anything which conjugates can serve as a 述語 predicate.
8. 形容詞 Adjectives are straight forward enough. You know them as “い adjectives” or pure adjectives. 9. 形容動詞 nominal adjectives you may know them as “な adjectives”, but this is not the full extent of them. 10. 動詞 verbs are used to express actions, movements, or existence. The base form of a verb ends in an ウ sound.

Pure Adjectives 形動詞 and Nominal Adjectives 形容動詞

Adjectives all end in ~い but you may have noticed that there are a lot of adjectives that end in ~しい specifically, like 新しい. Stick a pin in that. It's an important distinction to note. In Classical, those are split into two separate conjugation tables.

Nominal Adjectives are weird because they fall into a category where they act like adjectives but appear to look like nouns. But then why does it back translate to “adjectival verb” you may ask. According to this article the reason they are considered part 動詞 is how you would conjugate one in a sentence. The Modern language smooths out some of the distinctions that exist in Classical. (Also according to the article, there are linguists who want to reclassify them as 形容名詞 “adjectival nouns” but this hasn't picked up yet.)

You'll have been introduced to nominal adjectives by them ending in な to describe other things. 元気な男の子. But have you ever tripped up on a と where you expected に in stead?

• 堂々と走り回る　
• 暗澹（あんたん）たるところ

Jisho.org describes these as “たる” adjectives. They are a leftover from Classical as well. Modern Na and Taru adjectives are the modern forms of Classical Nari and Tari adjectives respectively. Classical likes to slur letters together when they come before the verb あり (the verb “to be” used to be irregular. It's regular now).

• Shizuka (base) + ni + ari => shizuka n+ari
• Antan (base) + to + ari => antan t+ari

Everything you weren't taught about verbs and need to know before you open a Classical grammar reference.

Linguistics talk you didn't need but I'm giving you anyways.

A synthetic language is a language that is statistically characterized by a higher morpheme-to-word ratio. (Wikipedia).

Among these are Agglutinating, Fusional, and Polysynthetic language types. Polysynthetic are languages (eg. Indigeonous languages of North America) that string together large volumes of morphemes into a single unit. You can have a whole sentence worth of thought in what amounts to a single word. A fusional language involves an array of inflected morphemes, but there is a limit to how many of those morphemes you can use at a time. Most members of the Indo-European family are fusional. English is an oddball for a lot of reasons. At this point you could call it partially fusional since the only inflected ending we care about is third person singular “-s” vs everything else. Spanish is a better example of a fusional language. Japanese is an agglutinative language. It can glue together more morphemes than a fusional language but not nearly as hard core as a polysynthetic. In contrast, the Chinese family are Isolating languages since their morpheme to word ratio is nearly 1:1, and nothing inflects.

Verbs

Modern Japanese has 5 types of verbs: 五段活用、上（かみ）一段活用、下（しも）一段活用、カ行変格活用、サ行変格活用

A Five Step 五段 verb is what you already know as an “U” Verb. “U” verbs have a form ending in one of every vowel in the Japanese language.

A One Step 一段 verbs are what you already know as “Ru” Verbs. “Ru” verbs do not change their vowel stem no matter what form they are in. The Upper 上 indicates a stem vowel is -i- while the Lower 下 indicates a stem vowel of -e-.

The irregular 変格 verbs are home of one variety each, くる and する.

Japanese verbs conjugate into 6 forms, in this order.

• 未然形 irrealis form
• 連用形 continuative form
• 終止形 terminal form
• 連体形 attributive form
• 仮定形 conditional form
• 命令形 imperative form

These words may sound scary but you know enough kanji to know what they mean by now.

The irrealis form is for 未だ not yet. Things that haven't been completed. The “imperfect”. To this form, you can attach 助動詞 bound auxiliaries representing the potential れる -reru, passive れる -reru, causative せる -seru, negative ない -nai or ぬ -nu, and volitional う –(o)u.

The continuative is used for connecting 連 things. This is the form used for stacking compound verbs, for desiderative -tai たい or -tagaru たがる, situational -sou da そうだ, gerund -te て and even the perfect aspect -ta た. The polite register -masu ます also goes here because it was a stand alone honorific verb long ago, but now it isn't.

The terminal is the end 終止 of a sentence. There are a few modifiers you can tack on top of that too, such as hearsay -sou da そうだ, presumption -rashii らしい and expectation -beki べき. The Terminal form also doubles as the 基本形 Basic form of a verb.

The attributive is for making relative clauses and assumptions you da ようだ. (The Terminal and Attributive forms look identical in Modern Japanese. I have seen some texts refer to a combination 終止・連体形 Terminal-Attributive Form but this doesn't seem to have caught on either. In Classical they are more distinct.)

The conditional is for hypotheticals 仮定. Classical replaces this with the 已然形 realis form, already happened 已(すでに). They look the same; they just take different particles.

The imperative 命令 is for direct commands.

A Verb 動詞 conjugates 活用 into a form 形, and that form is used to hook up to a bound auxiliary 助動詞. And each of those bound auxiliaries can additionally conjugate into longer and longer strings.

And you already have most of the conjugation patterns in your head! They just look scary when they're spelled out with big words.

れる conjugates the same way any verb with an -e stem does. ない conjugates like an い adjective. たがる conjugates like a 5 step verb. If you end a verb with “let's” ~よう, you can't tack anything else on it. And then some of them are just special cases. です is weird. It does its own thing.

Do not be afraid of fancy terminology. I swear this isn't scary at all.

Example short cut

Think of it like this...

買う【五段】 買わない・買おう 買いたい・買って 買う。 買うこと 買えば 買え！

起きる【上一段】 起きない・起きよう 置きたい・起きて 起きる。 起きること 起きれば 起きろ！起きよ！

集める【下一段】 集めない・集めよう 集めたい・集めて 集める。 集めること 集めれば 集めろ！集めよ！

来る【カ行変格】 こない・こよう きたい・きて くる くること くれば こい

する【サ行変格】 しない・せぬ・される したい・して する。 すること すれば しろ・せよ

Example sentence

使わせられなければ、入院されなかったろう。 Tsukawaserarenakereba, nyuuin sarenakattarou.

If [I] had not been made to use [it], perhaps [I] would not have been hospitalized.

The first verb has the 基本形 basic form 使う tsukau, “to use”. Because it ends in う u, we can assume it is a 五段 five step conjugation pattern. After the verb stem 語幹 is “wa” indicating the verb is in the 未然形 irrealis form. The bound auxiliary 助動詞 after that is -se–, indicating the causative. This too is in irrealis. Causative -seru conjugates like a Lower One Step verb. The bound auxiliary after that is -rare– and it is still in the irrealis form. Passive -reru also conjugates like a Lower One Step verb. After that is -nakere– which is the negative -nai in the hypothetical form 仮定形 followed by the 助詞 particle ば -ba indicating a conditional.

The second verb is a compound Noun “hospitalization” + する suru, “to do”. Suru is an irregular verb, so its verb stem is just s-. It is in the irrealis form to attach the passive -re- again. Passive -reru also conjugates like a Lower One Step verb to take the negative -nai in a compound form. -Nai conjugates like an adjective. It is in the connective form 連用形 because the next part is an allision of なく naku + the verb “to be” aru ある. -aru is also in the connective form to facilitate the perfect aspect particle ta た. -Ta uses the same allided conjugation pattern that gerund te て does, which is why the connective stem -i- disappears. -ta is in the terminal form 終止形 because the final auxiliary is also an allision of だろう darou. Darou is comprised of the conclusive particle だ da in the irrealis form ending in the conjectural -u う.

In summary:

Tsukaw-ase-rare-nakere-ba, nyuuin s-are-nak-a-tta-rou.

Not so scary anymore?

Additional References

Everything you ever needed to know about conjugation

Bound auxilliaries

Particles

I’ve been trying to figure out how this stuff makes any sense in the first place for years. The methodology on Wikipedia is helpful not but enough for me to figure out how to do it myself on a novel piece of text. The idea is that you have a novel piece of Classical Chinese text, you put in a whole bunch of annotations to swap the word order, and then read it as if it’s a piece of Classical Japanese text, and then translate that into Modern Japanese. That’s a lot of intermediate steps that are just wholly unnecessary. But let us entertain the idea for the moment, as though it’s actually a methodology that works instead of just recognizing that Literary Chinese is a whole ass language unto itself.

Source: 高等学校国語（国語総合古典）漢文入門（訓読の基礎）

The examples listed are all printed vertically. I cannot flip them and maintain both margins of okurigana 送り仮名 so you're just going to have to open the pdf in another tab to see the full thing.

書き下し文 kakioroshi bun How to write a proper Classical Japanese Translation based on these annotations.

1. Orient your text so it's vertical.
2. Make your okurigana notations, with particles and verb conjugations in the right margin, and kaeriten in the left margin. By convention, write everything in katakana unless a character represents a joshi or jodoushi; those can be hiragana.
3. Rewrite your sentence in the correct order.
4. Remove all the "unpronounceable".
5. Double check the "double pronounced" particles have their corresponding adverb + jodoushi circumflex. the adverb should remain in kanji.
6. Rewrite whatever is outstanding in katakana as hiragana.

Introductory example

寧為鶏口無為牛後

Quick correction: 鶏 a JP variant character. Let’s swap in the right “chicken”.

寧為雞口無為牛後 ning4 wei2 ji1 kou3 wu2 wei2 niu2 hou4

It is preferable to become the chicken’s mouth; do not become the cow’s behind. 《戰國策·韓策一》Strategies of the Warring states

Then the example starts adding in okurigana in the margins

寧ロ為ルトモ雞口ト無カレ為ル牛後ト

And the reordering okurigana marks in the other margin.

寧為二雞口一、無ㇾ為二牛後一

The result of this produce the following kakioroshi 書き下ろし

= 寧ろ雞口と為るとも牛後と為る無かれ むしろけいこうとなるともぎゅうごとなるなかれ

Better to be the beak of a rooster than the rump of a bull.

ALSO IN JUKUGO FORM AS 鶏口牛後

better to be the leader of a small group than the subordinate in a large one.

So far, so good, right? Alright, next example.

返り点 kaeriten Return marks

The article lists 5 varieties. 1. ㇾ点 2. 一・二点 3. 上・中・下点 (other variations include 甲・乙・丙 and 天・地・人) 4. Combination 一レor 上レ点 5. ー点　(as in 長音符 not 漢数字)

ㇾ点 means swap with the character directly after.

読書 不好学

Again I need to swap in the proper Traditional Chinese versions of JP variant characters.

讀書 du4 shu1 不好學 bu4 hao3 xue2

讀ㇾ書 becomes 書読 ＝ 書ヲ読ム しょをよむ　

[I] read a document. (This is too common a phrase to track down)

不ㇾ好ㇾ學　becomes 學好不 ＝ 学ヲ好マず がくをこのまず

Without the love of learning. (《論語・陽貨篇》Analects of Confucius Book 17 Yang Huo)

一・二点 when you find a 二, skip it, and keep going until you find a 一, then double back to the character marked 二.

借虎威 jie4 hu3 wei1

懸羊頭売狗肉 xuan2 yang2 tou2 mai4 gou3 rou4

Swapping Japanese variant characters for Traditional Chinese ones... I can't render the okurigana at their proper size. Bear with me while try to use color instead.

借二虎威一 懸二羊頭一賣二狗肉一

借二虎威一 becomes 虎威借 =虎ノ威ヲ借ル　 とらのいをかる

[To] borrow the tiger's majesty. Possibly also from《戰國策·韓策一》Strategies of the Warring states

懸二羊頭一賣二狗肉一 becomes 羊頭懸狗肉賣

=羊頭ヲ懸ケテ、狗肉ヲ賣ル　 ようとうをかけて、くにくをうる

[To] put up a sheep's head and sells dog meat. Possibly from 五燈會元 or 續傳燈錄 volume 31

Note: Other sources say this idiom may use 掲げる instead of 懸ける.

ALSO IN JUKUGO FORM AS 羊頭狗肉

deceptive advertisement, bait and switch, cry wine and sell vinegar.

上・中・下点 are the next size up from 一・二点 so you double back in larger segments. Skip 下 and keep going until you find 上, then double back to 中 if there is one, and then finally to 下.

It appears 下 is usually attached to a main verb where a Chinese sentence is SVO so the main verb is significantly higher than where you would expect for a Japanese sentence.

有能為狗盗者 you3 neng2 wei2 gou3 dao4 zhe3 欲上青天覧日月 yu4 shang4 qing1tian1 lan3 ri4 yue4

need to make another desimplification...

有下能為二狗盗一者上 欲下上二青天一覽中日月上

有下能為二狗盗一者上 becomes 能狗盗為者有 = 能ク狗盗ヲ為ス者有リ よくくどうをなすものあり

There is a person who is a skilled cat burglar. From 雞鳴狗盜 by 孟嘗君 Lord Mengchang of Qi

欲下上二青天一覽中日月上 becomes 青天上日月覧欲 = 青天ニ上ガリテ日月ヲ覧ムト欲ス せいてんにあがりてじつげつをみむとほっす

I want to ascend in the blue sky and take a good look at the sun and moon. From《宣州謝脁楼餞別校書叔云》by Li Bai 李白. There is an alternate version of this line as well.

Combination 一レor 上レ点 swap with next first, then double back.

従心所欲 cong2 xin1 suo3 yu4

to do as one pleases

勿以悪小為之 wu4 yi3 e3 xiao3 wei2 zhi1

Yet more substitutions...

從二心所一ㇾ欲

Becomes 從二心欲所一 Becomes 心欲所從 = 心ノ欲スル所ニ從フ こころのよくするところにしたがふ

[To] follow the place thing which the heart desires

勿下以二惡小一為上ㇾ之

Becomes 勿下以二惡小一之為上

Becomes 惡小以之為勿 = 悪ノ小ナルヲ以テ之ヲ為スコト勿カレ あくをしょうなるをもってこれをなすことなかれ

Do not do evil, no matter how small Allegedly a partial quote from 三國志 Record of Three Kingdoms

ー点 Long vowel mark links two characters together as a jukugo. Keep with next.Do not separate.

平定海内 ping2ding4 hai3nei4

And another substitution...

平二ー定海內一 Becomes 海內平定 =海内ヲ平定ス かいだいをへいていす

[To] conquer the whole country from 《秦楚之際月表》 by Sima Qian 司馬遷

置き字 okiji Unpronounced characters

Okiji are characters fill the responsibilities of grammatical case and particles, conjunctions, adverbs, verb tense and mood, emphasis, etc. Because their use case will be reflected in the inflected okurigana in the right margin, they do not need to be “pronounced” when read aloud.

Three groups of grammatical particles are listed. 1. 於・于・乎 2. 而 3. 焉・矣

於・于・乎 general purpose locative preposition.

These are all effectively に. Edwin Pulleyblank's Outline of Classical Chinese Grammar says that 于 yu2 is closer to the coverb “to go” but eventually 於 yu2 and 于 yu2 overlapped to the point where they became identical. 乎 hu1 is also a locative but it has a different set of uses as a sentence final particle, closer to や (?) or かな (!).

墜於水 zhui4 yu2 shui3 生乎吾前 sheng1 hu1 wu2 qian2

墜二於水一 becomes 於水墜 = 水ニ 墜ツ みずにおつ

[His sword] fell in the water. From 呂氏春秋 Master Lü's Spring and Autumn Annals

生二乎吾前一 becomes 乎吾前生 =吾ガ前ニ 生マル わがまえにうまる

[He] was born before me. From “Master spoke”《師說》 by 韓愈 Han Yu

而 general purpose conjunction

而 Er2 connects two clauses at the verb. You can just scribble in て after the first verb in most cases.

伏而喜 fu2 er2 xi3

心不在焉視而不見 xin1 bu4 zai4 yan1 shi4 er2 bu4 jian4

伏而喜 =伏シテ喜ブ

[They all] bowed down and rejoiced. From 《朝三暮四》

心不ㇾ在ㇾ焉視而不ㇾ見

Becomes 心焉在不視而見不 ＝心焉在ラざレバ、視レドモ見エず

When the mind is not present, we look without seeing. From the Book of Rights 禮記 Great Learning《大學》

ALSO AS A JUKUGO 心不在焉 “Absent-minded”, “preoccupied”

焉・矣・兮

Now this is where I start calling bullshit. Slide 9 wants me to assume that 焉 and 矣 are emphatic particles. This is naïve at best.

焉 yan1 = 於 yu2 +之 zhi1 where 之 is an object pronoun. This guide makes it seem as though 之 is equivalent to a possessive particle but from what I read in class, 8 times out of 10, it's an object pronoun.

矣 yi3 is perfect aspect. You can pencil in ～けり even though the example sentences on slide 7 don't use it that way.

兮 xi1 I cannot find in Pulleyblank, but mdbg.net says it's an old particle similar to modern 啊. I'd assume it's functionally the same as sentence terminal よ or わ

Everything after this on the pdf is basically a hot mess.

三人行必有我師焉 san1 ren2 xing2 bi4 you3 wo3 shi1 yan1

you have something to learn from everyone From the Analects of Confucius Book 7《論語·述而》

三人行必有二我師一焉 Becomes 三人行必我師有 = 三人行ヘバ、必ズ我ガ師有リ

When the three [of us] walk, they shall surely be my teachers

I don't love this translation because it ignores the entire use case for 焉 yan1. In modern Chinese, 焉 means “where” or “how. In classical, it is a contraction of the locative yu2 於 and the object pronoun 之 zhi1. To fix it, I would add “among them” to the tail end of the sentence.

朝聞道夕死可矣 chao2 wen2 dao4, xi1 si3 ke3 yi3

If a man in the morning hear the right way, he may die in the evening without regret. From the Analects of Confucius Book 4 verse 8 《論語・里仁》

I don't love this translation either. Pulleyblank says that 矣 yi3 indicate a verb has perfect aspect, and weblio.jp says it's merely an emphatic particle. English usually represents a perfect aspect with either a past tense verb, but the conditional structure does not allow for 死 to be past tense as it has not happened yet.

朝聞ㇾ道夕死可矣 Becomes 朝道聞夕死可矣 =朝ニ道ヲ聞カバ、夕ニ死ストモ可ナリ

When [someone] listens to the [correct] path in the morning, in the evening death has been permitted.

I don't love this either, but at least the 矣 yi3 is compensated for.

再読文字 saidoku moji Characters read twice.

Being pronounced twice is really just a Japanese problem. If you plug in an English adverb you don't need to deal with this nonsense.

• 未 wei4 never, not yet
• 将 jiang1 future aspect
• 且 qie3 moreover
• 當 dang1 exactly as
• 應 ying4 ought
• 須 xu1 must
• 宜 yi2 should, proper
• 猶 you2 still, yet, as if
• 蓋 gai4 probably, for [reason]

These are all characters which would require both an adverb and an auxiliary verb to be represented properly in Japanese. First you read them as the adverb, then you tack the proper auxiliary onto the verb at the end of the clause. The okurigana for the adverb will be on the right side margin, while the jodoushi will be on the bottom left of the same character.

This is such a pain of an exercise I'm not even going to bother with the kaeriten in the write up.

未知生 = 未だ生ヲ知ラず

老將至 = 老イテ将に至ラントす

且飲之 = 且に之ヲ飲マントす

及時當勉励 = 時ニ及ンデ当に勉励スべし

應知故郷事 = 応に故郷ノ事ヲ知ルべし

須盡酔 = 須らく酔ヒヲ尽クスべし

宜為王 = 宜しく王為ルべし

過猶不及 = 過ギラルハ猶ほ及バザルガごとし

蓋反其本 = 蓋ぞ其ノ本ニ反ラざる

Particles to render in Hiragana during Kakioroshi

助詞 Joshi

• 之 zhi1 sometimes it's possessive, but like 80% of the time it's object pronoun
• 自 zi4・従 cong2 "to follow", from
• 與 yu3 is either 也乎 or "to accompany"
• 者 zhe3 = は is super oversimplifying it. This marks subject of a verb. He who verbs.
• 也 ye3 = predicate. in most cases it's not なり.
• 耶 ye2 = (?)
• 邪 ye2 = (?) but it's also not to be confused with xie2 evil
• 爾 er3 = thus, except when it's the pronoun "you"
• 已 yi3 = already, or functionally "this is new knowledge for the speaker"
• 耳 er3 = 而 + 已
• 矣 yi3 = perfect aspect
• 乎 hu1, 哉 zai1, 夫 fu2 = (?) or (!) in terminal position only!
• (夫 fu2 = demonstrative pronoun, in initial position it also introduces a topic with a wider scope than 者 zhe3) (edited)

助動詞 Jodoushi

• 不 bu4 is ず but you can just cut to the chase and use ない
• 見 jian4 speaker is the patient of a passive verb.
• 被 bei4 "receive, undergo, suffer" is used more in modern Chinese to indicate a passive
• 可 ke3 it's sometimes べし but it's actually a stand alone verb for "permit" leading to its modern usage of "can/may"
• 如 ru2 ごとし is fine as a stand alone. gets more flavor with a friend. (不如 bu4 ru2 not as good as, 何如 he2 ru2 like what?, 莫如 mo4 ru2 nothing else is like it.)
• 若 ruo4 i don't think it's so much ごとし as it is 合わせる
• 也 ye3 see above. It has some more uses I'm not listing.
• 為 wei2 and wei4 are different. wei2 is a verb to do. wei4 introduces a cause.
• 使 shi3 "send, employ" , 教 jiao1 "teach" idk why this is here, 令 ling4 "order", 遣 quan2 "dispatch". Other than jiao1, all of these are causative or “suppose if”.

In conclusion: the moment you actually look at Classical Chinese as Chinese instead of weirdly rendered Japanese code, all this shit falls apart.

I'm just thinking about this outline of rules and I'm like, this whole thing falls apart if I gave you my actual chinese homework. 道可道非常道 should be 道は道にあるべかれど常なる道あらず。 but the intermediate steps to get there are wholly unfacilitated by the above processes.

Puzzle Bobble Everybubble Strategy Guide—Part 10

These two areas are being grouped together as they are both in “Space” which is a totally separate area from the first 9 areas on “The Surface”.

Rainbow Moon

Gimmick: Wide stages. Some of these might genuinely be easier in couch co-op.

Unlockables: Devilon, Devi-chack'n costume, ??? miniroon costume.

Normal

1. Aim high and shoot up the diagonals to remove the bubbles on the ceiling.
2. Remove the first row of blanks off the rocks. Then aim strategically so that the blanks link up with the matching color Chack'n.
3. Beeline those power ups.
4. There is no room for error. Clear off the yellow column directly below the Chack'ns. Then drop a bomb, and shoot it in the crevice directly under the Chack'ns. The ones you'll need to aim for are usually the ones where there was not a bomb hanging down. If you miss any one of these shots, restart the level.
5. Brute force works fine.
6. Time every single shot. There are only change bubbles here.
7. The pattern is along the diagonal. Try to cut off as much of the first triangle as you can to get to the single yellow bubble holding it up at the far left. Brute force your way through the other triangle. Be careful where you throw your yellows and purples. Only the left triangle has yellow, and only the right triangle has purple.
8. [COME BACK TO THIS]
9. TIP: do this one with the long pointer first. The stage drops too fast to really note any particular ricochet points.
10. Clear out enough of the center peak to make your character stop panicking. Then start chipping away at the blanks on the far edges until you can dislodge the cluster from the ceiling.
11. Very patiently dislodge all the chack'ns off the bottom row. Then brute force your way through the change bubbles until you can get close enough to do the same with the chack'ns on the ceiling.
12. Beeline the blasters. If you can get a clean shot at the ceiling with one that's dropped off at 3 and 9 o'clock, take it, but be aware that it won't clear the whole stage.
13. [COME BACK TO THIS]
14. Aim carefully and drop off the ghosts where you can.
15. 🌶 Aim diagonally to drop the three chack'ns on the right. If you can manage to drop the bomb, awesome. Brute force your way through the blank bubbles to get rid of the supports. Use the bomb to get through the supports if needed and continue shooting until you get through to the chack'ns on the top left. Bomb the two chack'ns on the top right. [MAY NEED REVISION]

EX

1. [COME BACK TO THESE
2. ggg
3. ggg
4. 444
5. ggg
6. ggg
7. ggg
8. 555
9. 555
10. LATER]

Rainbow Colony

Gimmick: Not only are all of these wide stages, they are also extremely difficult. Definitely bring a couch co-op friend.

1. Drop the first bomb directly above you. Use it to excavate the first bomb on the far right. Repeat with the second bomb. You should now be close enough to the star bubble to dig it out. Hit it. This might drop the last bomb in the top left. Clean up whatever remains.
2. Be mindful of the change bubbles to drop as many bombs as you can and throw them at the clusters of supports.
3. You've seen this level before. Drop the paint bubbles and use them to connect lower clusters to horizontal stripes in rows above.
4. [COME
5. BACK
6. TO THESE
7. LATER]
8. 🌶 Use the paint line change bubbles in the bottom row to clear out the first row and then brute force your way to the top.
9. [COME BACK TO THESE
10. GGG
11. GGG
12. GGG
13. GGG
14. GGG
15. GGG
16. GGG
17. GGG
18. GGG
19. GGG
20. LATER]

Back to top

Puzzle Bobble Everybubble Strategy Guide—Part 9

Secret Lab

Gimmick: nothing new you haven't seen before.

Unlockables: Katze (VS mode), ??? Chack’n costume, Jellyfish Miniroon costume

Normal

1. Dig as fast as you can to any bomb on the top row. The cascading explosion will clear the stage.
2. TIP play this level with the long pointer first. This is all trick shots. For the Chack’n on the upper right, aim just above the stripe on the upper part of the frame. For the Chack’n on the upper left, aim for the top corner of the control panel on the bottom part of the right frame. For the middle chack’n, aim a little above the middle stripe on the right side of the frame, about where it intersects with the school of fish.
3. Careful timing and brute force.
4. Whatever works as long as the blasters are facing internally. Clean up the stragglers as need be.
5. Drop the lower paint bubble on the right to get the chain of pink time + bubbles. Repeat on the left to minimize the number of time – bubbles you pick up when clearing the rock. Drop either of the paint bubbles up top when it is yellow and absorb the bare minimum of time – bubbles clearing off the rock.
6. Brute force works fine.
7. Hit the paint line bubbles then brute force your way to the top until you can hit the other pair of paint line bubbles to drop everything below.
8. TIP play this with the long pointer first. This one is pretty straight forward except for one final ricochet off the left wall.
9. Throw any two colors straight up at the star bubbles. I recommend NOT pink. What remains is a lattice structure. Aim as high as you can to drop off what remains.
10. Time your shots with the change bubbles to drop the planks. Once you get to the 4th row of planks, it’s smooth sailing.
11. Hit the blasters in the bottom row to open a channel toward the blasters near the middle. Now hit a guide bubble. With the long pointer, line up the blaster to point toward the bombs on the ceiling. If any one of these blasters misfires, restart the stage.
12. Hit the Pink paint bubble on the far left with a Pink bubble to pop the pink chain. Hit the Yellow bubble on the left with a Yellow bubble to pop the yellow chain. Hit the Pink paint bubble directly above the center with NOT PINK then the blue paint bubbles in the center and far right with NOT BLUE. Be careful NOT to hit the far right pink paint bubble. Pop the blue chain.
13. Brute force works fine.
14. Brute force works pretty well. Hut the paint line bubbles as they appear.
15. Aim carefully and drop the ghosts.

EX

1. Drop the star bubble. Dig out one bubble in the mass on the left so that when you shoot the star bubble it hits 4 colors. There should be two stragglers on the ceiling. Finish these off manually.
2. TIP: Try this level with the long pointer first. Use the paint bubbles to hit the Time + bubbles on the far left. Ricochet additional bubbles off the left wall slightly below the band on the frame to hit Green Chack'n. Clear out some more bubbles and then shoot 1 bubble height below the band on the left frame to hit the Yellow Chack'n. Upper Blue Chack'n should now be available to pop. Ricochet that off the ceiling and down. Lower Blue Chack'n should be available to hit from the left side. Finally, you should have enough time left in the timer to pop the Pink Chack'n without incurring a time penalty. Don't hit the paint bubble when it is pink, blue, or purple.
3. 🌶️Dig up the side toward the Star bubble. If you can drop it, awesome. In the more likely scenario where you cannot, just hit it as soon as you can and try to brute force your way through the rest as quickly as you can.
4. 🌶️Hit as many change bubbles as you can to stabilize them before hitting the paint bubbles. Once you can no longer reach paint bubbles, use careful timing to eliminate as many as you can as you dig for the other paint bubbles.
5. Pop the Blue, Green, Purple that make up the arrow's fletching. Drop the paint line bubble. Hit the guide bubble. Shoot the paint line bubble at the very end of the arrow so it paints the line above the bomb. Hit the star bubble with the matching color to drop the bomb. Shoot the bomb in the crevice of the third rock from the ceiling to free the last three Chack'ns.
6. Clean off the supports as quickly as possible.
7. 🌶️ Drop the blaster at 2 and 8 o'clock. Dig through at least 4 rows on a diagonal that will reach a bomb. Shoot the blaster to hit the bomb. This will cascade detonate all the bombs and drop the star bubble. Shoot the star bubble so it hits at least 3 colors. Manually clean up what remains.
8. TIP play this level with the long pointer first. To hit Green Chack'n, align the pointer with the right edge of oval containing the stage name. To hit Pink Chack'n, align the pointer with the blue pipe in the center of the background image. To hit the Blue Chack'n, align the pointer with the band holding up the control panel on right side of the frame. Hold this position to hit Orange Chack'n. Alternatively, look for the dent in the pipe on the right side of the frame about half way between the control panel and the band above it. To hit the Yellow Chack'n, aim for the center of the red bracket pipe on the left side.
9. 🌶️ Brute force, and be careful not to hit the ghosts. If you can drop the blasters, awesome. In the more likely scenario that you cannot, just make sure to hit them at 3 and 9 o'clock position.
10. 🌶️ [COME BACK TO THIS]

Back to top

Puzzle Bobble Everybubble Strategy Guide—Part 8

Wizard's Cave

Gimmick: Trick shots, change bubbles. GENERAL TIP: play all of these levels with the long pointer until you can get acclimated to the angles required for all these ricochet shots.

Unlockables: Bonner (VS Mode), Wizard Chack’n costume, ??? Miniroon costume.

Normal

1. Bounce stuff off the walls and try not to make extra work for yourself.
2. Hit either of the blasters when they are pointed inward so you can fast track exploding the two bombs at the top.
3. Point toward the wall. Try to drop a bomb, then shoot it to release the bubble on the ceiling. Repeat. If you’re lucky you won’t need to clean up any bubbles manually after.
4. Drop the star bubble. Shoot it somewhere where it will hit 3 colors at once. The resulting cascade should leave you with 4 last clusters to pop on the ceiling.
5. Shoot carefully to get around the ghosts and pop the bubbles hanging from the ceiling.
6. Aim for the intersections and time your shots to dig to the ceiling.
7. Break the bomb. Brute force to the ceiling. If you can drop the blaster at 3 and 9 o’clock, do so, and shoot it at the ceiling. Finish off what remains.
8. Time your shots to match the change bubbles to the existing normal bubbles to clear the supports quickly.
9. Beeline the paint bubbles first, paint line bubbles second to clear the supports.
10. Drop the Blue, Yellow and Pink paint bubbles to clear out the lower supports. If you can drop the Orange and Purple paint bubbles too, use them. If not, just clean out the middle manually and pop the paint bubbles with their matching colors when you have a clear shot.
11. Carefully drop the first row of ghosts. Once they’re down, go for the second. You should not need to drop the third. There’s enough space to free the Chack’ns now if you continue to aim carefully.
12. [COME BACK TO THIS]
13. Aim for the intersections and don’t hit the Time – bubbles to drop or pop the chack’ns.
14. Prioritize dropping whichever plank is lowest. Once it is gone, focus on removing the support it was attached to.
15. Drop the star bubble. Shoot it at an intersection to remove at least 3 colors. Clean up the remains manually.

EX

[GET BACK TO THESE LATER]

1. Ggg
2. Ggg
3. Ggg
4. Ggg
5. Ggg
6. Ggg
7. Ggg
8. Ggg
9. Ggg
10. Ggg

Back to top

• Scenario builder subsection
• Prefab example characters, settings, mascot characters, villains
• Character sheet
• DM specific addendum

To reiterate, the point of being fast-and-loose is to minimize the math. Hit Points aren’t real. They’re based on vibes. Spell slots aren’t real. They’re based on imagination. Experience points? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Dice basics and idiosyncrasies

Dice are used sparingly. All battle actions, checks, and saving throws are determined by D20. Healing and de/buffs are determined by D12. All others (including other polyhedral dice, mood dice, story dice, or whatever other goodies you found at the game store) are all ad hoc to the player. Some example uses of idiosyncratic dice use are: D4 as a consumable item tracker and D100 or mood dice to check an audience opinion poll.

Out of Combat

Outside of combat, the DM may request you perform a skill check or a perception check. Roll a single D20 and use the following rules of thumb to gauge how successfully you perform at the task. When combat is completed, characters may heal without aid being determined by dice. DMs should scale at their discretion.

During Combat

D20	For most actions
1-5	Failure with retaliation
6-10	Failure, no retaliation
11-15	Moderate success
16-20	Major success

D12	Healing, Buffs & Debufs
1-4	Small effect
5-8	Moderate effect
9-12	Large effect

• When combat begins, everyone involved must roll for initiative. This initiative is to determine turn order during this particular battle sequence, only. Initiative does not carry over between battles, nor is it a preset stat.
• Talking is a free action. Movement within reason is also a free action.
• Skill/perception checks, and most melee attacks require one turn. Certain spells may require one turn for set up and a second for execution. Refer to the “Move Set” section of your character sheet for more details.
• A character only has one major action per turn. The player must first declare their intended action, then roll 1D20 to determine its success.
• Hit points do not exist. The DM should use discretion when scaling the success of an action based on the outcome of the dice.
• Area of effect attacks, such as a machine gun or a self-destruct sequence, may require relevant characters to roll a saving throw to avoid splash damage, serious injury, or even KO. If the character’s saving throw is equal to or greater than the damage roll, they are safe. If the character’s saving throw is less than the damage roll, they will take damage. The lower the roll, the greater the damage. The DM should use discretion when determining if a character will suffer any injuries, loss of turn, or KO.
• If a character decides to assist another character, for example, one player steadies a canon while the other aims and fires, the character whose turn has not yet come up in the round will be skipped. They will have their next turn in the subsequent round.
• Injured characters may be asked to roll with disadvantage for the rest of the battle unless they are healed. To roll with disadvantage, roll 2D20 and use the lesser number to determine the action’s success.
• Buffed characters may roll their subsequent action with advantage. To roll with advantage, roll 2D20 and use the greater number to determine the action’s success.
• If a buffed character is specifically increasing their speed, they may perform two actions on their turn rather than using two turns.
• The severity of a heal is determined by rolling a D12 instead of a D20 and scaling success as per the rules of thumb chart above. Buff/debuff spells and items should be gauged similarly.

Attention DMs! Be sure to think about adding some of the following to your campaign.

Mascot character

They may look cute, but they’re your handler. Mascot characters are often region-specific tacky souvenirs that embody their locale. While they do talk to each other via the psychic memo network, that does not necessarily mean they get along, especially with conflicts of jurisdiction.

Villains

Your big bad! Generally, robber baron capitalists and “C-suite” executives—not necessarily mutually exclusive either. These people use their immense wealth of money, power, influence, and even magic toward selfish gains, which is basically more of the above. Some of these folks even have direct ties to the Sugar Daddy.

B-Villains

Your lesser baddies. This tier encompasses mid-bosses and middle managers.

Small fry

Exactly what it says on the tin. Basic bestiary enemies.

Combatant NPCs

NPCs generally do not have access to Magic without extenuating circumstance. Combatant NPCs usually make up for this lack with tech. Add mechas here.

Other NPCs

Literally everyone else.

Additional considerations

A single monster versus a gang of magical girls does not last very long. Instead of drawing the encounter out with minion hordes, consider increasing the number of dice allotted to the monster. For example, a monster with 2D20s allotted could alternate between using both dice to perform an action with advantage and using each die individually to perform two actions on its turn.

If I ever get around to writing Character Sheet Advanced, here are the basic stats you should keep in mind. Use as few or as many as your heart desires, but above all else, be consistent.

Basic stats

STRENGTH	How hard can you hit something?
DEXTERIY	How flexible are you about avoiding enemy bonks? How steady are your hands when you have to aim with precision accuracy?
CONSTITUTION	Assuming you got hurt, how well are you able to continue standing afterwards?
INTELLIGENCE	How much knowledge have you amassed (industry specific or otherwise)?
WISDOM	How well are you able to execute that knowledge?
CHARISMA	How well can you gaslight/gatekeep/girl boss or mansplain/manipulate/male wife your way out of trouble?

Other stats and why they're not included

Hit points and Armor Class: The thickness of your plot armor is entirely contingent on the DM's discretion. Race and Alignment: build that into your character background. Perception and Initiative: These are dice rolls performed in the moment rather than a fixed stat. Proficiency bonus, Range: Weapons have no numbers attached so this is meaningless. Gauge by vibes. Speed: If you want to do literal speed, or maybe an energy drink, proceed as “buffed”. Experience points and Levels: It’s too subjective and qualitative to outline rules for. You wanna bring Saleforce metrics into your off hours? Be my guest, you fucking weirdo. Limits on saving throws: You’re going to look death in the eye and stick your tongue out a lot. Why penalize yourself over your close calls? A death save is literally just Tuesday, bruh.

About YOU

You are a 30-some-odd-year-old schmuck just trying to get by in late-stage captialism who suddenly had the magical girl genre thrust upon you when your powers woke up one day after eating some kick ass burgers. You are not necessarily a girl, per se. You can have any gender you damn well please, or even make it up for that matter. The point is you are a victim of genre conventions.

Name

You know what you’re doing. It’s not like your Magical Girl is paying taxes. If you decide to go more the super hero route, you can pick a name for yourself in and out of magical girl conventions. Transformation sequences are optional.

Occupation

Let’s be real—even the best of us is a little burnt out by the day job. While the sky’s the limit when it comes to magic, that limitation is also built entirely upon your ability to imagine what you want to do with it. “Occupation” is the primary theme around which your magic is built. What do you do at your day job? What tools do you handle there? Do you have any skills that could be transferred to solving mysteries or beating up baddies in the name of truth, justice, and getting a damn break?

Role

While distinct from “Occupation,” this too is a theme around which your magic is built. Think of this as a looser interpretation of the character’s “Class” in a more traditional RPG. Don’t limit yourself to the traditional “bard”, “rogue”, “cleric”, etc. Grab genre by the horns and try something different, like “Overoptimistic Shōnen protagonist,” “Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon but to the left,” or “Mad scientist who forgot ethics boards were a 'thing'.”

Background

This is how you got to where you are today. What did you do to get yourself into your current day job? Do you have any dreams, goals, or axes to grind? How are you connected to the rest the group? What are your individual motivations to be part of the local Magical Girl Union?

Magic

Magic comes in three parts: Move Set, Weapon Proficiency, and Inventory. Move Set is your general abilities and spell list, which can be subject to change at any time. Weapon Proficiency include what tools you work with that could be reimagined as weapons. This is not limited to melee combat weaponry. Improvisation does not hurt you. Inventory constitutes any additional tools of the trade that do not fall into one of the above categories, and any items you pick up along the way.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? – Barry? – Adam? – Oan you believe this is happening? – I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. – You got lint on your fuzz. – Ow! That's me! – Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. – Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! – Hey, Adam. – Hey, Barry. – Is that fuzz gel? – A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. – Hi, Barry. – Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. – Hear about Frankie? – Yeah. – You going to the funeral? – No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. – Well, Adam, today we are men. – We are! – Bee-men. – Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. – Wonder what it'll be like? – A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! – That girl was hot. – She's my cousin! – She is? – Yes, we're all cousins. – Right. You're right. – At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. – What do you think he makes? – Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. – What does that do? – Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What's the difference?” How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. – Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! – Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. – Hey, Jocks! – Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! – I wonder where they were. – I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. – Oouple of Hive Harrys. – Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! – Oh, my! – I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. – Six miles, huh? – Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. – Maybe I am. – You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? – Well, there's a lot of choices. – But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! – Barry, you are so funny sometimes. – I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! – You're gonna be a stirrer? – No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”! I'm so proud. – We're starting work today! – Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... – Is it still available? – Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. – What'd you get? – Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. – You want to go first? – No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. – Any chance of getting the Krelman? – Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? – I'm going out. – Out? Out where? – Out there. – Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. – Look at that. – Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. – Thank you. – OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! – That's awful. – And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. – Antennae, check. – Nectar pack, check. – Wings, check. – Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! – Ever see pollination up close? – No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! – Guys! – This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. – Should we tell him? – I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! – Do something! – I'm driving! – Hi, bee. – He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. – Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? – Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. – You could put carob chips on there. – Bye. – Supposed to be less calories. – Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? “You like jazz?” No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. – You're talking. – Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. – I'm talking with a bee. – Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. – Wait! How did you learn to do that? – What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up. – That's very funny. – Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? – Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. – It's just coffee. – I hate to impose. – Don't be ridiculous! – Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? – I shouldn't. – Have some. – No, I can't. – Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. – Where? – These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, “Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?” Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. – You do? – Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. – Really? – My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. – Why do girls put rings on their toes? – Why not? – It's like putting a hat on your knee. – Maybe I'll try that. – You all right, ma'am? – Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. – Thanks! – Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. – Sounds amazing. – It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. – Do they try and kill you, like on TV? – Some of them. But some of them don't. – How'd you get back? – Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your “experience.” Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. – Well... – Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? – A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! – No, no, no, not a wasp. – Spider? – I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. – Her name's Vanessa. – Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? – They call it a crumb. – It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! – You know what a Oinnabon is? – No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! – Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! – Thinking bee. – Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! – We're still here. – I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! – Then why yell at me? – Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. – Where are you going? – I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. – What is wrong with you?! – It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. – I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. – I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? – Is he that actor? – I never heard of him. – Why is this here? – For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? – Well, yes. – How do you get it? – Bees make it. – I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! – It's organic. – It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. – You almost done? – Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. – And you? – He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! – What is that?! – Oh, no! – A wiper! Triple blade! – Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! – Bee! – Moose blood guy!! – You hear something? – Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. – Bees hang tight. – We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. – What if you get in trouble? – You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! – Hey, guys! – Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. – Oheck out the new smoker. – Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. “They make the honey, and we make the money”? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. – What? – Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. – You wish you could. – Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! – That would hurt. – No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. – Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. – And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, “I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this”? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. – Is that that same bee? – Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. – Hello. – Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. – Frosting... – How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. – Oh, those just get me psychotic! – Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. – This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. – I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, “Honey, I'm home,” without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. – What's the matter? – I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? – No. – I couldn't hear you. – No. – No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. – Where have I heard it before? – I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! – Order in this court! – You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! – Say it! – Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. – Ken! – Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. – What's that? – Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! – You're bluffing. – Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. – You got the tweezers? – Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. – Good friends? – Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? – Yeah, but... – So those aren't your real parents! – Oh, Barry... – Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? – Objection! – I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! – Adam, stay with me. – I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. – Hey, buddy. – Hey. – Is there much pain? – Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? – Why? – The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, “Smoking or non?” Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? – What are we gonna do? – He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. – What if Montgomery's right? – What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! – I think we need to shut down! – Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? – Are they out celebrating? – They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? – What did you want to show me? – This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? – I'll sting you, you step on me. – Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? – Roses are flowers! – Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. – Bees. – Park. – Pollen! – Flowers. – Repollination! – Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. – Where should I sit? – What are you? – I believe I'm the pea. – The pea? It goes under the mattresses. – Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. – I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. – You and your insect pack your float? – Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? – Remove your stinger. – It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. – What'd you say, Hal? – Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? – Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! – Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! – Is that another bee joke? – No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. – Who's that? – Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. – Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? – Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? “The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense.” – Get this on the air! – Got it. – Stand by. – We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. – Black and yellow! – Hello! Left, right, down, hover. – Hover? – Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. – That may have been helping me. – And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – Hold it! – Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. – Black and yellow. – Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. – Thinking bee. – Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. – What? – I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! – What in the world is on the tarmac? – Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! – Vanessa, aim for the flower. – OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! – Not that flower! The other one! – Which one? – That flower. – I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. – This is insane, Barry! – This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! – Yes. No high-five! – Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! – Thank you. – But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. – When will this nightmare end?! – Let it all go. – Beautiful day to fly. – Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. – Thinking bee! – Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that. The whole bee movie script.