Corresponding ExR: Refinement part 1 FW pages 105-114

I have been on the fence about how to manage this one for agonizing months—perhaps over a year at this point. The way that Chinese works is, simply put, morpheme hell. Everything is a morpheme, sometimes bound, sometimes free, but morphemes don't obey the laws of parts of speech cleanly. And this is extra true for Classical Chinese—though I doubt MXTX was thinking that far ahead. (I'd be curious how much Classical Chinese is part of a standard Chinese school curriculum.)

I am reasonably convinced that the chapter title is probably a pun on the Lan clan motto: 雅正. Ya3zheng4 is a set phrase in Chinese, but utter nonsense in Japanese. According to Mandarin Bridge, it means “correct (literary) / upright / (hon.) Please point out my shortcomings. / I await your esteemed corrections.” However, if one were to dissect it, as one might expect to with Classical Chinese, we have [elegant]+[right]. Is 雅 an adjective or an adverb? Is 正 an adverb, an adjective, a noun, or even a verb? ExR translated this as simply “righteousness”; 7S as “Elegance and Righteousness”. Whatever the answer, 雅騒 ought to be parallel in its translation in order that the blatant allusion (i.e. the joke) lands. I'm going to play it safe for now but some potential alternatives I've workshopped thus far include:

• Righteously raucous
• Righteous ruckus
• Refined racket
• Cultured clamor

This needs much more thought before I commit to anything.

If I'm starting to have one complaint here it's that Zheng sensei the translator is throwing in a good number of Chinese words and assuming you'll just know them or look em up. Perhaps this is the style of the genre. I don't know. I've not read many full length novels, much less Chinese style dramas, in JP yet. MXTX's writing is not a standard example of the Wuxia genre.

Some vocabulary from inline notes: 家規 kaki: an example of blatant Chinese, and means 家訓 “family precept” 簫 shou: Lan Xingchen's instrument. It looks like a recorder at clarinet scale. 清談会 seidankai: “A meeting where representatives of each cultivation clan assemble and hold a conference.” I do have to wonder if Qingdan has any relation to this process. From what we've seen, these conventions are mostly politicking meetings, not philosophy discussions. 藤草 fujibakama: thoroughwort. Eupatorium. The standard spelling is 藤袴. Why they chose to use a non-standard spelling is beyond me. source: https://flower-photo.info/products/detail.php?product_id=111

The “Cloud Recesses” (some unknown place deep in the clouds) feels like it's probably a reference to something. I'm less sure “Lotus Pier” is but it's likely. I'd love for someone who can do primary source research to help me track down the references in the 3zun's names but that's way beyond my skill level.

ExR san, where did the Zen come from?

In such a tranquil place, one's heart would be still like water. Only the echoes of a bell tower could be heard vibrating through the air. Although it was incomparable to a holy temple, the cold mountains still send forth a lonesome air of Zen. (ExR)

山も人も、すべてが静けさに満ちていて、ここにいると凪いだ水面のように心が静まっていく。時折聞こえてくるのは高楼から響く鐘の音だけだ。寺院などではなく、一世家だが、ひっそりとして清澄な場所だ。(FW pg 104) The mountains and the people, everything was abundant with silence. Being here, one's heart would quiet like a calmed surface of water. Occasionally, the only thing one might hear is the sound of a bell echoing from a tall building. It wasn't a temple or anything, but rather the home of a prestigious family [another Chinese word]; it was a still, serene place.

“Morning reading” is clarified as “reading and sword practice”. Perhaps this is from watching too much anime, but whenever I see 結界 kekkai in a piece of text, I assume the “barrier” is magical rather than physical. That implication seems completely lost in ExR.

“It's all because of the unhealthy trend that the YiLing Patriarch started. There are so many people who copy him and cultivate that foolish method... (ExR)

Verdict: passable but I don't love it.

“It’s all the Yiling Patriarch’s fault for starting the trend with his evil craft. There are way too many people playing around with that senseless cultivation method of his…” (7S pg 121)

Verdict: absolutely not. You tried and got a rake to the face.

「あの夷陵老祖のせいで、邪道が流行りだして、真面目に修行しないで彼の真似をしようとする人があとを断ちません。... (FW pg 107) “It's all the Iryou Elder's fault that the unorthodox path is trending, and the [number of] people who try to imitate him without training seriously is without end.

This was a cute addition.

Each person wore the Lan Sect's uniform, with flowing, plain robes as white as snow. ほとんど藍家の雪のように白い校服を着ていて、皆落ち着いた雅な雰囲気を纏っている。(FW pg 108) They were mostly wearing the Lan household's uniform, white like snow, and were all clad in a calmed, elegant atmosphere.

Something I'd really love to know from someone who can do Chinese research better than I is how “Golden carp tower” came from 金麟台, because what's written here reads to me as “golden unicorn terrace”, even knowing that the golden carp legend is the same as the one surrounding Gyarados. I remember researching this once and Kotobank lead me to a fairly long poem about the construction of the Qilin Pavilion at Weiyang Palace 未央宮. I need to track that note-to-self down and post separately.

I can’t get over the image of LWJ’s clothes being a neat little block of tofu like at the grocery store.

The set of white clothes was folded extremely neatly, almost making one's hair rise. It looked like a snow-white piece of tofu—even the forehead ribbon was folded without any creases. (ExR)

その白い服は非常に几帳面に畳んであって、まるで真っ白い豆腐のようだ。しかも、抹額まで少しの歪みでもなくきっちりと畳まれていることに、思わず鳥肌が立ってしまう。(FW pg 113) Those white clothes were extremely meticulously folded, as if it were a pure white tofu. Moreover, even the headband was folded precisely without any distortions—so much so that it gave him goosebumps in spite of himself.

This was also a nice addition

The water in the spring was freezing. (ExR) 冷泉は肌を刺すような冷たさ... (FW pg 113) The cold spring had a skin piercing like chill...

Vibe check...

In the different sects, there was a type of discipline whip to punish disciples of that sect who made significant mistakes. After the torture, the scars wound never disappear. (ExR)

仙門には大罪を犯した門弟を懲罰する時に使う戒鞭（かいべん）というものがあって、ひとたびこれに打たれたら、その傷痕は永遠に消えない。 Among the cultivation world, there was a thing called a discipline whip which is used in order to punish disciples who had committed serious crimes. Each time one was struck by this, the scar would never disappear. (FW pg 113)

ExR: Arrogance Part 5 FW pg 93-104

The first thing that drew my eye was trying to figure out what Wen Ning is wearing in this scene. He’s described as wearing a 袍 hou, which is noted as 丈の長い上着 “an outer garment with a long length.” And in my brief half hour of research, I think I might be dealing with a false cognate here. Hou from my research on wikipedia and kotobank, are very specifically a type of outer garment generally warn by ancient nobility and some military officers as far back as the Nara period (710-794 CE). See item B below (reposted diagram of a 束帯Sokutai from Wikipedia. The hou is only a piece of the full getup.) They all have round collars. Many of them have raw edges in certain places where you would expect seams. Some of them also have an extra large decorative lower hem (this example does not).

Meanwhile Chinese 袍服 pao2fu2 does not point at a single garment (“generic robe”) so much as a category of garments with a particular style of construction: the whole thing is cut out of one piece of fabric (if I’m reading this correctly??). This garment style goes back as far as the Zhou Dynasty (1046 BC – 256 BC). The round collar isn’t standard on the Chinese side the way it is on the Japanese side. Just based on the images it looks like a cross collar would be more common (which makes sense if you’re trying to minimize seams). Based on this discrepancy, I’m curious what novel-only Japanese fans would draw Wen Ning wearing. If only I had a twitter…

Fun trivia: The Japanese “kimono” is based on an 8th century CE style of pao2fu2.

Then again, as ExR states in their note about Jiang Cheng’s clothing—people draw him wearing whatever so don’t worry about it too much.

As I stated in Arrogance Part 4, I will be damned if I use “fierce corpse” for 凶屍 kyoushi and I refuse to use it. It just sounds dumb. I will not be doing a deep dive about the “fairies” in “fairies, beasts and evil spirits”, which FW translates as 妖獣と殺鬼 (“supernatural beasts and killer ghosts”).

Please allow me one dumb pun for WWX’s trashy flutestry—耳障り it’s ear-itating

Oyaji gyagu asside...

Now quotations. I swear I won’t be as long winded as last time.

One cultivator shouted at the top of his lungs, “Close in on him!” (ExR) 「奴を囲め！」と一人の修士が声を張り上げた。(FW pg 95) “Surround him [derogatory]!” one cultivator raised their voice.

Just a thought: 奴 yatsu could be any third person singular pronoun. “Surround him” is just as reasonable a conclusion as “Surround it”. I could envision the Cultivation World objectifying the poor guy after over a decade of our protagonist’s absence. “Close in on” is too verbose for a mob.

“Didn’t you bring signal firelights with you? Don’t you know to use them when you meet something like this? What are you pretending to be strong for? Scram over here!” (ExR) 「お前は信号弾を持っていなかったのか？あんな手強いモノが出てきたのになぜすぐに打ち上げない？無茶をするな、とっととこっちに来い！」(FW pg 97) “Didn’t you bring a signal flare? Why didn’t you use one when there was such a strong thing appeared? Don’t be so reckless, get your ass end over here right now!”

Ok, that’s embellished a little, but don’t tell me Jiang Cheng wouldn’t swear like that. “Scram over here” is just awkward. “Scram” is motion away from; “come here” is motion toward. This is contradictory.

In an instant, shock, disgust, anger, and disbelief all crossed Jiang Cheng’s face. (ExR) 一瞬にして、驚愕、憎悪、憤怒、そして信じられないという気持ちが胸の中で交錯し、混ざり合って江澄はきつく顔を顰める。(FW pg 98) In an instant, feelings of astonishment, abhorrence, indignation, and disbelief interlaced in his breast, blending together as Jiang Cheng severely scrunched his face.

Not saying ExR is wrong. Just that they could do better. If I really wanted to force the alliteration, I could go with “feelings of astonishment, abhorrence, anger, and apprehension”, or might need to think a little harder to find something else. I would prefer to use something a little stronger than “anger” for 憤怒 funnu, since 憤り ikidoori “resentment” came up a lot in the prior chapter, and I personally read it as foreshadowing for all the people who eventually got brutally murdered.

With an assured stroke, it was as if a rock had created thousands of waves in water. The sound of the zither had created countless ripples in the air, colliding with Zidian. The latter waned, and the former waxed. (ExR) Steadfast as he plucked the string, like a rock in a river rousing ripples, the sound undulated in the air. It clashed against the purple lightning, canceling the attack. (7S pg 111)

その指が弦を無造作に引くと、たった一つの石が千の波を引き起こすが如く琴の音は空気中にさざ波を無数に作り、紫電とぶつかり合って衝撃を相殺した。(FW pg 99) No sooner did his finger simply pluck the string, like a single stone bringing about a thousand waves, the sound of the koto made innumerable ripples through the air, colliding with Zuden and canceled out its impact.

Zidian=Zuden. ExR’s is the odd one out this time. I like 7S’s alliteration there.

With a slanting crack of his whip, Zidian slashed out with the semblance of a poisonous dragon, precisely landing on the center of his back! (ExR) He raised the whip and swung, and the purple lightning swam forth like a vicious dragon, striking him in the heart of his back! (7S pg 112)

…手を上げて鞭を斜めに振り下ろす。紫電はまるで毒龍の如く泳ぎ出し、ちょうど彼の背中に命中した。(FW pg 99) He raised his hand, and swung the whip down on a diagonal. Zuden swam forth just like a poisonous dragon, hitting him directly on the back.

Again, I like the Japanese best.

Lan WangJi, “…” Jiang Cheng, “…” He was both shocked and enraged… (ExR)

藍忘機は無言だった。江澄もしばし言葉を失っていたが、驚きのあまり急に怒鳴り声を上げた。(FW pg 100) Lan Wangji was silent. Jiang Cheng had also lost his words for a short while, but with great surprise he suddenly raised his voice in anger.

While there is a beauty to everyone saying “…”, there is better clarity making it a sentence.

In fact, the shout made Jiang Cheng, who cared about maintaining his reputation above anything else, unable to make another move. でないと紫電が虚名を博したことになる。面目を命と同じくらい大事にする江澄は、二度目を打つことはできなくなった。(FW pg 100) If he didn’t, he’d earn Zuden a false reputation. Jiang Cheng, who cherished face just as much as life, became unable to strike a second time.

hmm…

“In my opinion, he was probably bitter from being unable to cultivate using the correct method, he ventured off onto the wrong path.” (ExR)

ACCEPTABLE

“In my opinion, he was probably indignant at having failed in cultivating the orthodox path, and so he deviated. (7S pg 113)

ACCEPTABLE

私見ですが、おおかた彼は正道の修行に失敗し、腹いせに邪道に走ったのだと思われます。(FW pg 101) In my personal opinion, I think [humble] for the most part he failed at cultivating the orthodox path, so in retaliation he ran along the unorthodox path.

Don’t forget the passive can be used in active voice when you’re trying to be polite. “In my personal opinion, it is thought that…” is overly literal and a little nonsensical.

I’m translating the following two paragraph because there are 2 jukugo and 3 notes to trip over. Inline notes have been separated out.

Although he was infamous, people had to admit that, before the YiLing Patriarch Wei WuXian had betrayed the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, he was known for being a handsome young man and a refined cultivator skilled in the six arts. He ranked the fourth among all of the young masters in the cultivation world, being described as lively and cheerful. On the other hand, the ill-tempered Sect Leader Jiang ranked five, surpassed by him, so most people weren’t so bold as to mention the matter. Wei Ying was a frivolous and wanton person who loved to have tangled ties with pretty girls. Nobody knew how many female cultivators he had troubled with his charms, but it was yet unheard of that he was also attracted to men. (ExR)

そもそも、現在の評判は良くないとはいえ、夷陵老祖魏無羨がまだ雲夢江氏から離反する前、彼は美男子として広く知られていた。六芸を見事にこなす風雅な名士として、世家公子の風格容貌格づけても第四位だったことは認めざるを得ない。世間の人々は、彼のことを口々に「豊神俊朗」と称賛したーーだが気性の激しい江宗主は第五位で、魏無羨に負けていたので、余計に話を持ち出すのは憚れた。 魏嬰は軽佻浮薄で美しい女性と遊ぶことが何よりも大好きで、いったいどれほど多くの仙子たちがこの遊び人に泣かされてきたか知れない。だが、彼が男も好きだったという話は今まで誰も聞いたことがなかった。(FW pg 101-102) One could say that presently he didn’t have a good reputation to speak of in the first place, but before the Iryou Elder Wei Wuxian defected from the Unbou Jiang clan, he was known far and wide as a handsome man. As a refined personage who was splendidly accomplished in the six arts^1, one could not help but acknowledge him as ranking fourth among all the young masters of the cultivation world in terms of personality and appearance. The public unanimously admired him as beauteous and vivacious^2.–but Sect leader Jiang who had a viscous temperament ranked fifth, and because he lost to Wei Wuxian, was afraid of what others might think if he broached the subject too much. Wei Ying was frivolous and loved nothing more than playing with beautiful women, and it cannot be known just how many senshi^3 were made to cry by this playboy. But to this day no one had ever heard that he also liked men.

And those notes:

六芸：身分のある者に必要とされた技芸で、礼儀・音楽・弓術・馬術・書道・算術のこと Six arts: arts necessary for any person of social standing, i.e. etiquette, music, archery, equestrianism, calligraphy, arithmetic.

豊神俊朗：顔が美しく朗らかで生き生きとしていること Houshin shunrou: someone with a beautiful face, cheerful, and lively

仙子：仙門に所属し、仙術を修行する女性の敬称 Senshi: a title of honor given to women affiliated with the cultivation world and practice cultivation.

Cf. ExR’s notes via English Wikipedia: Rites, music, archery, charioteering, calligraphy, mathematics. Japanese Wikipedia says something different. With regard to the Six Arts, Japanese Wikipedia says:

六芸（りくげい、六藝）は、中国の古代において二つの異なる意味で使われた。一つは儒教の六つの経典で、六経ともいい、五経とほぼ同じ意味である。もう一つは周の時代に教えたとされる六つの技芸である。まれに「ろくげい」と読む。本項では後者について解説する。 Six Arts (rikugei) has two different definitions with regard to ancient China. The first is the six Confucian sacred texts, also called rikukei, and has about the same meaning as gokei (“the five classics”). The other is six arts taught during the Zhou dynasty. Rarely read “rokugei”. This article explains the latter.

Later in the article it swaps out 馬術 “equestrianism” for 馬車を操る術 “technique for manipulating a horse-drawn vehicle”. That sounds a lot more like “charioteering” to me. (If anyone else wants to get lost on Wikipedia, the reason there are five Confucian Classics instead of six is because the “Rites of Zhou” is considered apocryphal.)

Also throwing this out there, “whether a human or a god” is usually “human or buddha”, but I’m not going to argue too much here. God is an acceptable substitute for Buddha, considering the source culture is Buddhist influenced and the target culture is Christian influenced.

Ok 2 last things…

His face was emotionless. “Mark your words.” (ExR) “As you say,” he said expressionlessly. (7S pg. 117) しかし、藍忘機はその言葉を聞いて、無表情のまま体ごと魏無羨の方を向いた。 「言ったな」 (FW pg 104) However Lan Wangji heard what he said, and turned his whole body to face Wei Wuxian without expression. “You said it.”

What he says in Japanese is really just “say-[perfect aspect]”. Everything else is completely subjective to the translator and I my gut feeling is that Chinese is not that different in this particular case. You could translate this a dozen different ways and they’d all be correct.

HOW THE HECK DOES IT TAKE LAN WANGJI 104 PAGES TO USE A PERSONAL PRONOUN??????

Because you asked, it’s 私 watashi because he’s a very polite stick in the mud. And it’s even more obvious retrospectively that Lan Wangji had significant influence in Lan Sizhui’s life because he also uses the same pronoun. Everyone else is an 俺 ore. If you haven’t watched enough anime to know the semantic differences between those, I’m sure you can find it in like 3 clicks. I don’t have time to write that essay. If I did, I’d make a separate post and it’d probably be 20 pages about the semantics of gender and pronouns in Japanese and how much can change on a dime.

Ok that should do it for my tumblr backlog.

ExR trans: Arrogance Part 4 FW pages 81-93

I am not a comparative religion expert, and I make no pretense of it. I’m just someone who reads Wikipedia too much.

観音 Kannon = Guan1yin1 = Avalokiteśvara, one of the most popular bodhisattvas in all of Buddhism. Bodhisattvas are people who have achieved Buddhist enlightenment but decided to stick around to help others achieve enlightenment too. Much like other Indian theological figures, they can have many forms, so what ExR says in their notes is not entirely correct. It just so happens that Avalokiteśvara in art tends to have more masculine depictions while Guanyin has more feminine depictions, but they’re not mutually exclusive. Further readings　 Seriously, I type in 男姿の観音 (“male kannon”) and the first result is a photo gallery of a master Buddha sculptor in Kyoto, Japan.

九天玄女 Kytuuten gen'nyo = Jiu3tian1 Xuan2nü3 = Dark lady of nine heavens 7S readers, I highly recommend you pencil in some umlauts on pages 90 and 388. I know that English is allergic to diacritics, but this one is important. “nu” and “nü” are totally different sounds. The Dark Lady of Nine Heavens is a figure in Chinese folklore described as an immortal in Daoism and a goddess elsewhere. As stated, Xuannü presides over war, sex, and longevity, a la wikipedia. Not sure where 7S got “protectress of the nation” but I’m going to chalk that up to them doing more primary source research than I did. The big story mentioned on Wikipedia revolves around her being a mentor to the Yellow Emperor, who has a long list of accomplishments as a mythological figure in his own right. Xuannü is the elder sister of 九天素女 jiu3tian1 su4nü3/kyuuten sojo, the Pure Lady of Nine Heavens, another music and sex deity. There’s a third sister mentioned on the English page but somehow not the Japanese or Chinese pages, cai4nü3 彩女, the Colorful Lady. I think she must be better known by another name, since I’m not getting any search results. Japanese wiki also links back to a few more literary appearances of Xuannü: in 12th century Chinese literary classic Water Margin 水滸傳 shui3hu3zhuan4/suikoden (chapter 41), 16th century novel The Three Sui Quash the Demons’ Revolt 三遂平妖傳 san1 sui4 ping2 yao1 chuan2, and 18th century Japanese travelogue Journey to the East 東遊記, touyuuki (yes, that’s blatant literary homage to Journey to the West 西遊記 xi1you2ji4/saiyuuki) Further reading on Jiutian Xuannü I’m not linking the Taoist sexual practices page… you go look that up on Wiki yourself.

玉皇大帝 gyokukoutaitei = yu4huang2da4di4 = Jade emperor Basic reading material here. The Jade Emperor is a deity in both Chinese folklore and Daoism. Most of you are probably reading TGCF. If you’re curious enough to look up Junwu as a mythological figure, I won’t be redundant. It is strange to me that FW defines him as a 神 kami. Daoism doesn’t seem to be keen on gods, I thought? I really need to do some further reading…

Note to self: I need to read the Classic of Mountains and Seas at some point. It was quoted at the beginning of every segment of Xiran Jay Zhao’s Iron Widow, and I was really curious about it back then, and I am even more now.

ExR uses “Erjin temple” but FW just uses 寺院 jiin. They’re totally different words. Erjin temples, as ExR notes, are a specific kind of temple built well into the mountains. I’m still not sure what the base word is to back check a Chinese dictionary whether it’s a term affiliated with a particular religion or not. Jiin appears to be a catch all for Buddhist temples. “A building in which statues of Buddha are enshrined, where monks/nuns live, where religious worship, training, and ceremonies are performed.” The Encyclopedia Nipponica has a long article on word origin and usage of each of those characters, 寺 ji and 院 in respectively, and their usage differences between India, China, and Japan, and I will stop myself from going on that tangent here.

Customary units of measure are a trip. It’s one of those things that changes based on your location and time period. 1 丈 zhang4/jou = 10 尺 chi3/shaku. The Dancing Devi is about “3 丈” tall. Is this thing really 3 meters/9.84 ft tall in traditional units?

• 3 zhang4 = 30 chi3 = 30x0.32 m= 9.6m, or 3012.6 in=31.5 ft (pre-1915 China) OR
• 30x33.33 cm = 10 m, 30x13.12 in = 32.8 ft (post 1930 China)
• 3 jou = 30 shaku = 30x30.30 cm = 9.09 m OR 30x11.93 in = 29.825 ft (Japan)

Some references for metrics

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chi_(unit)
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zh%C3%A0ng
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_units_of_measurement
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_units_of_measurement

Jin Ling insults the thing anyway.

“Powerless goddess without status” (ExR) “some nameless rogue deity” (7S pg. 92) 聞いたこともない野良神 (FW pg. 83) “a stray deity I've never even heard of”

Not to be confused with the manga by the same name. 野良 nora is the “stray” you’d use for “stray cat”. I’m giving this one to 7S.

Also! ExR, with all due respect, your use of idiom leaves much to be desired. There are some phrases which inexplicably happen to be near identical across multiple languages. “Strike while the iron is hot” is one of them. “[Kill] two birds with one stone” is another. Why is this footnoted?

The townspeople of Buddha’s Feet were all astonished and thought that it was a magical stone formed by gathering he energy of heaven and earth… (ExR)

佛脚鎮の人々は非常に驚き、これは天地の霊力が結集した神の石だと信じて…… (FW pg 81) The people of Buddha’s Leg Garrison were extremely surprised–they believed that this was a stone deity concentrated from the spiritual power of heaven and earth…

ExR you are dropping adjectives again…

What happens in the cave had enough differences on both sides I got thrown off a few times.

With a few shings, everyone in the cave had either drawn their swords or taken out their talismans. At the same time, a person suddenly burst in from outside the temple, holding a gourd of medicinal alcohol. He threw it toward the stone statue, and raging flames sprouted from it, illuminating the stone cave so that it could even pass for daytime. … Before, the statue clearly had one foot lifted and both of its arms raised upward, of which one was pointing directly at the sky, its form graceful. However, amid the crimson and yellow flames, it had lowered both its arms and its foot. there was no doubt–it definitely wasn’t a mistake of the eye! (ExR)

石窟の中の者たちがそれぞれ剣を抜いたり、呪符を取り出したりする音が響く。ちょうどその時、祠の外から突然誰かが駆け込んできて、薬酒入りのひょうたんを天女像に向かってぶちまけた。石窟の中は、たちまちむせかえるような強烈な酒気で満ち溢れる。その男が呪符を一枚取り出して素早く石像に投げつけると、神座の上の石像から轟々と烈火が燃え上がり、石窟の中をまるで昼間のように照らした。 … 先ほどまで石像の両腕は上がっていた。片方の腕は天を指し、足も片方だけ上げていて、その姿はなんともなまめかしく色気があった。それが、今や炎の中のその手足はすべて下ろされている。決して見間違いなどではない！(FW pg 83-84) The sound of the folks in the cavern drawing their swords or pulling out talismans resounded. At that very moment, someone from outside the shrine suddenly rushed in, turned a gourd filled with medicinal alcohol toward the celestial maiden statue, and dumped out its contents. The inside of the cave was flooded with the overpowering smell of liquor as though it was choked all at once. That man pulled out a talisman, and no sooner did he promptly throw it toward the stone statue, conflagration erupted thunderously from the stone statue on the altar*, illuminating the inside of the cavern as though it were daytime. … Up until this point, the stone statue had both arms raised. One arm pointed toward the heavens, and it lifted both feet and just that one arm; and its form was really crudely adorned, and had sex appeal. Now, amongst the flames its limbs were all lowered. There was absolutely no mistaking it.

神座 shinza isn’t quite an altar. It’s the part of the shrine where the “god” “sits”. There’s no snappy one-to-one English word that I know of. I no longer recall if I had said so in a previous post, but part of the reason I go back and forth between “Celestial Maiden” and “Devi” is because of the donghua’s interpretation of this statue having extra body parts the way an Indian depiction of a many formed non-human being would. I also like the alliteration of “dancing devi”. You could argue 色気 iroke is “grace” but that’s not the first definition of the word. According to Jisho.org, “grace” number 4. The extra olfactory imagery combined with the more powerful flame imagery of the Japanese I think sets the scene a little better. I would like to know what happened to the “crimson and yellow” flames, but alas. You could also argue I under translated 見間違い mimachigai by not specifically including the explicit visual factor 見 mi. “Misjudgment” didn’t feel right; “mistake of vision” was too verbose. I’d have to think a lot longer to come up with something better, but I still have a ton more quotations to go through.

Lan JingYi’s face was pale with terror… (ExR)

蘭景儀が死んだような顔をした。(FW pg 85) Lan Jingyi made a face like he had died.

Poor kid

“…Dead souls are a lot easier to absorb than living souls… This creature only eats living souls, and knows of a way to obtain them. It is both powerful and selective in terms of food.”

死霊の魂は生霊の魂よりも遥かに吸い取られやすい…それなのに、あの天女像は簡単に食べられる死霊の魂じゃなくて、わざわざ生霊の魂だけを選ぶような偏食だ。(FW pg 86) The soul of a spirit of the dead is by and far much easier to absorb than the soul of a spirit of the living…Despite that, that devi statue appears to be a picky eater who chooses not the souls of dead spirits which it could simply eat, but only souls of the living, on purpose.

I need to revise my glossary yet again. The last time I saw 生霊 ikiryou, I thought WWX was talking about astral projection. A “Wraith” is “an apparition of someone that is believed to appear as a portent just before that person’s death.” (Wordnik.com) so I thought it might line up nicely. I was wrong.

Also at some point in this discussion, around page 88ish, they stop using plain old 魂 tamashii to describe what the Dancing Devi consumed and switch over to 魂魄 konpaku, which, if I’m reading this Wikipedia page correctly, has different theological implications. TLDR Chinese spiritualities postulate that you don’t have just one soul, but several, and they come in two varieties: 魂 hun2 is connected to human mental capacities while 魄 po4 pertains more to the flesh. You can have multiples of each. When you die, 魂 hun2 separates from 魄 po4, which is why your spirit wanders off but your corpse remains.

“Wait, so you’re really not a lunatic?” (ExR) 「ちょっと待てよ⁉あんた、本当は阿保じゃなかったのか⁉」　(FW pg 86)

No, he’s not a simpleton either.

Lan JingYi, “All of these are just your guesses, right?” (ExR) 「そりゃそうだけど。でもこのまま仮説を立て続ければ、きっとすべての辻褄が合うはずだ。」 (FW pg. 88) “That may be so. But if you keep raising hypotheses like this, they should all be consistent eventually.”

They better be given how much text I’m rekeying.

The goddess statue was originally just an average rock which happened to look like a person. Having accepted a few hundred years’ worth of worship without any reason, it had gained some powers. Yet, because it was greedy and its thoughts ventured off the wrong path, it had wanted to quickly increase its powers by eating souls. …the creature in Dafan Mountain wasn’t any sprite, demon, ghost, or monster, but a goddess! This was an untitled goddess born from the hundreds of years of incense. Using the items used to deal with evil spirits and beasts to deal with it would be like using fire to distinguish [sic] fire! (ExR)

天女像は、たまたま人間の姿に似ていたため、奇しくも数百年も祀られ続け力を得たが、もともとただの石の塊でしかなかった。しかし非常に欲深い天女像はいつからか魔が差して、信じ難いことに魂魄を吸って食べることによって力をさらに増幅させようと目論んだようだ。……大梵山にいる怪異の正体は、妖魔鬼怪の類ではなく、神だったのだから！ 食魂天女は、数百年にわたって祀られてきた野良神のなれの果てだ。だから、殺鬼や妖獣を退治するためのものを使って戦うのは火で火を消そうとするのも同然だ！(FW pg 89) The devi statue miraculously gained power through continued worship over several hundred years due to the fact that it somewhat resembled a human, but originally it was nigh but a clump of rock. However, the extremely greedy devi statue at some point succumbed [to its greed], and as hard as it is to believe, appears to have schemed to magnify its power even more by consuming souls… Because the true face of the mystery of Mount Daibon was not some type of creature, demon, ghost, or monster, but a deity! The soul eating devi was a shadow of its former self–a stray deity worshiped over hundreds of years. So fighting it by using thing for exorcising killers or beasts would be no different from trying to extinguish fire with fire!

When I first saw “ventured onto the wrong path” I was a little nervous we might have another questionable compound ending with ending 道. It didn’t quite go where I thought it would. On the other side of this equation is 魔が差す ma ga sasu, an idiom both containing a key word, 魔=demon, and meaning “to be possessed by an evil spirit” as definition number one. I liked definitions two and three better, “to give in to an urge, to succumb to temptation”, and I would also like to emphasize there’s absolutely no way this stone statue could ever be a “demon,” as per the definition of which in Chapter 4, given that it was “originally a clump of rock”. 妖魔鬼怪 youmakikai isn’t a word in Japanese, but yao1mo2gui3guai4 is in Chinese, and there’s a set translation for it. Without the context of Chapter 4, I would ascertain ExR is overtranslating 妖魔鬼怪, but with that context, taking it one character at a time is perfectly fine. I’m using my own and totally ignoring ExR’s note. There’s genuinely no satisfying way to parse 妖 you (ayakashi)/yao1, and as far as I know, there aren’t enough examples of them in this novel to even bother trying. I’m not typing up the whole paragraph from 7S but they use nefarious being for 妖魔鬼怪 and malicious spirits for 殺鬼や妖獣. I see why they might have done that (e.g. lack of context) but I do not agree.

Wei WuXian couldn’t help but to comment, “Why are you blindly worshiping him? Even his own inventions were a mess! (ExR) Wei Wuxian replied helplessly, “What are you blindly believing ion him for? Anything he came up with was utter bullshit. (7S pg 100)

「あんな奴の言葉なんてむやみに信じるなよ。あいつは自分のことすらちゃんとできない、めちゃくちゃな人間だからな！(FW pg 90-91) “Don’t believe whatever that [sort of] guy says so indiscriminately! He [derogatory] was a mess of a man who couldn’t even take care of himself properly!

The reason I bring this one up is because I’m not sure exactly where his “inventions” comes from? It is bothering me.

To extinguish fire, water was needed. Therefore, if magical weapons didn’t work, what about dark sorcery? (ExR)

DISAGREE

You need water to extinguish fire. If spiritual devices wouldn’t work, then how about demonic tricks?! (7S pg 101)

DISAGREE

火を消すには水を、仙門法器がダメなら、邪門鬼道の技を使うしかない！(FW pg 93) To extinguish fire, [missing verb] water; if the tools of the trade of the school of cultivation were no good, then one could only use the techniques of the evil school of the ghost path!

I’m being overly literal with 仙門法器 senmon houki for the sake of a parallel structure that’d otherwise be dropped entirely, because I thought it was cleverly worded. For the record’s sake, these are totally made up strings of characters. They’re not real words. I have to do mental back flips to make them real words. Break down as follows. Translation… is pain.

• 仙 = immortality, >> “cultivation”
• 門 = gate, branch of learning based on the teachings of a single master
• 法 = method, law, rule, principle, model, system; can be stretched to “magic” via 魔法 mahou
• 器 = utensil, vessel, receptacle, implement, instrument, ability, container, tool, set
• 邪 = wicked, evil, wrong
• 鬼道 >> “ghost path”

This should have been a last resort for him, but however, with the situation already like this, it didn’t matter what he summoned. It’d be fine as long as the dark energy was strong enough and the killing intent was keen enough, so that it could rip the soul-consuming goddess into pieces! (ExR) He shouldn’t have done this unless it was absolutely necessary. But with things as they were, he no longer cared hat was summoned, as long as it was murderous enough and vengeful enough. As long as it could rip apart the soul-eating Heavenly Maiden, it was good enough! (7S pg 102)

万策尽きるまで、この手を使うつもりはなかった。だがこうなったら、どんなモノが召喚されてももう構わない。邪気が強く凶暴で、あの食魂天女をズタズタに引きちぎってくれるモノであれば！(FW pg 92) He didn’t plan on using this tactic until all other means were exhausted. But at this point he didn’t care what sort of thing he summoned. As long as it was something with strong malice and ferocious, that could tear that soul-eating devi to pieces!

I really don’t like ExR’s “dark energy”. 7S is a little more piecemeal than FW’s is, but it’s certainly closer to my back translation.

The word only referred one person—the right-hand man of the YiLing Patriarch Wei Ying, who had helped with the tyrant’s crimes, stirred upwind and waves, played the jackal to the tiger, overturned the world with him, and most of all was a fierce corpse who should have been turned into ashes a long time ago—Wen Ning! (ExR)

この単語を指すのはただ一人。それは夷陵老祖魏嬰の第一の手下で、彼の悪逆を助けて騒ぎを引き起こした共犯者であり、天地を覆すほどの力を持ち、とうの昔に焼き払われ灰にされたはずの凶屍――温寧！ (FW pg 93) This word referred to only one person. That was the Iryou elder Wei Ying’s number one subordinate, the accomplice who assisted his atrocities and provoked uproars, a revenant who had the power to overthrow heaven and earth, and who was supposed to have been burnt to the ground and reduced to ashes–Wen Ning!

As stated in the above post, I will be damned if I ever use “fierce corpse”; it sounds dumb. Interesting turn of phrase there in the ExR translation but I’m not sure what exactly it’s pointing at. Maybe that was an addition on their side? 焼き払われ灰にされた is pretty redundant, and if I wasn’t back translating most of the time, I would have dropped one of them.

『下終南山過斛斯山人宿置酒』　李白

Li Bai (701–762) is a Tang dynasty poet known for a) mundanity and b) embracing the booze. I’m not saying his entire body of work expresses his ideal world is best seen through beer goggles, but being at least tipsy is definitely a recurring theme… Hu2si1 (JP: Kokushi) san1ren2 is a hermit friend of Li Bai. That is all the information I can find on him. (The dictionary entry for 道士 doushi covers both Daoists and Buddhists, so without Chinese reference material, I’m at a loss as to which is correct.) Li Bai was also friends with Du Fu. Extremely influential guy. I’m doing a fabulously poor job of introducing him. I’m also too lazy to look up a date for this poem. Honestly the only reason I’ve translated this at all is because it comes up as a citation for 忘機 bouki/wang4ji1. As much as I’ve stared at this, I don’t love this translation. I could do better. Source text from here.

Classical Chinese

暮從碧山下 Dusk descends from the verdant mountain 山月隨人歸 The mountain and moon follow people home 卻顧所來徑 Yet looking back upon the road I just came down 蒼蒼橫翠微 A green mountainscape lies hazily ahead 相攜及田家 Carrying each other to reach rice paddies and houses 童稚開荊扉 Children open briar doors 綠竹入幽徑 Green bamboo enters the secluded path 青蘿拂行衣 Fresh ivy* brushes my travel clothes 歡言得所憩 Joyful words acquire a place to rest 美酒聊共揮 Fine liquor passes around as we chat together 長歌吟松風 We sing long songs to the pines and wind 曲盡河星稀 Melodies exhausted the river and stars are rare 我醉君復樂 I’m drunk you keep having a good time 陶然共忘機 Tipsy together we forget worldly concerns

*青 qing1 is usually blue but it describes “green” plants. I’m using “fresh” to not be redundant. I’ve looked at four dictionaries for what plant 蘿 luo2 could be. Lin Yutang says “turnip,” Mandarin Bridge says “radish,” Denshi jisho says “moss” or “ivy.” The “modern Japanese” translation below uses “ivy” so I will too. And image searching just gives me a strange assortment of plants and cartoon women.

I’m not translating the Classical Japanese on this one because it makes several choices I disagree with.

來る所の徑を卻顧すれば would make more sense as 来る所の徑を却って顧みれば even if it sounds a little repetitive. 卻顧 is not a word as far as my usual dictionaries tell me. I don’t like the way 6 lines (童稚 through 長歌) have an unnecessary space after the first two characters. Just add a comma! 美酒　聊か共に揮ふ I propose 聊 is a verb here, not an adverb. 陶然として共に機を忘れん I’ll take “pleased+thus” as “tipsy” but I think separating 忘機 into 機を忘れん is a bit much? I’m hard pressed to find a definition of 機 that even makes sense. It’s a “loom”; it’s a “machine”. It can be stretched into “opportunity”, “impetus”, the “inner workings” of something either physical or abstract, like the heart. bangs head on desk

Here’s the Modern Japanese translation

日暮れに碧山から下ってくると、 山月も我々についてくる、 下りてきた道を振り返れば、薄暗い山中に道がぼんやりと続いて見える 君と連れ立って田家につけば、子どもらが門を開けて迎えてくれた、緑の竹が幽徑まで生い茂り、青いツタが我が衣にまとわりつく 談笑しながら体を休めるところを得て、ともに美酒を酌み交わそう、松風に乗せて長々と歌を歌い、歌い終われば天の川もかすかになる 私は酔った、君もまた楽しめ、この境地に遊んでつまらぬことは忘れよう

Whenever we descend from the verdant mountain at dusk, The mountain and moon both come with us If we turn back to look at the path we’ve come down, We can see the path continues hazily into the gloomy mountains Accompanying you when we reach rice paddies and houses, Children open their gates to welcome us Green bamboo grows on even secluded paths Fresh ivy clings to my robes We acquire a place to rest our bodies while in pleasant conversation Lets pour drinks from this fine liquor together Singing songs for a long time on the [sound of] wind blowing through pine trees When we’re done singing the milky way grows faint I’m drunk, you keep having a good time Let’s stay like this for a while and forget about boring things

Absolutely bold take there proposing that 機 worldly affairs =つまらぬこと boring things

Alternative translations * https://www.istudy-china.com/li-bai-descending-zhongnan-mountain-and-meeting-si-the-hermit-with-english-translations/ * https://allpoetry.com/Down-Zhongnan-Mountain-

『登岳陽楼（岳陽楼に登る）』　杜甫 (712–770 CE)

Yueyang tower is a major tourist destination on the shores of Lake Dongting, Yueyang City, Hunan province, China. Further Reading

Source text from this website. I’ve swapped out the Japanese specific variants for their traditional Chinese counterparts. According to the summary notes, apparently there’s a civil war going on around the time of composition, very likely the An Lushan rebellion of 755-763 CE. One of the alternative English translations below alleges the date of composition of this poem around the last 3 years of his life, so it’d have been around 767 CE when he finally got to tour this place.

Classical Chinese

昔聞洞庭水 今上岳陽楼 吳楚東南坼 乾坤日夜浮 親朋無一字 老病有孤舟 戎馬關山北 憑軒涕泗流

Long ago I heard about the waters of Dongting Now I ascend Yueyang tower Wu and Chu split east and south Heaven and earth float there day and night Not a word from my friends or relatives Old age and illness make for a lonely boat War horses close off the mountain’s north [side] I lean on the railing; tears and snot stream [down my face]

Classical Japanese translation

昔聞く洞庭の水 今上る岳陽楼 呉楚東南に坼（さ）け 乾坤（けんこん）日夜浮かぶ 親朋（しんほう）一字無く 老病孤舟（こしゅう）有り 戎馬（じゅうば）関山の北 軒（けん）に憑（よ）って涕泗（ていし）流る

No major differences between this and the above.

Modern Japanese translation

昔から、洞庭湖の水の美しさを耳にしてきたが（願いがかなって）今まさに（湖を見渡せる）岳陽楼に登っている。 呉の国と楚の国は、この湖によって東と南に隔てられ 天と地が、水面に、日夜を問わず浮かんでいる。 親戚、友人からは一通の手紙も無く 年老いて病である私には、１そうの小船があるだけである。 関山の北では、戦いが続いているが 軒に寄りかかって故郷を思うと、涙が流れてくるばかりだ。

I’ve heard about the beauties of the water of Lake Doutei since long ago but now (my wish is granted and) I’m just about to climb Gakuyourou (which overlooks the lake). The countries of Go and So are separated by the lake east and south Heaven and earth are floating on the water’s surface regardless of whether it’s day or night. I haven’t received a single letter from my friends or relatives, so for me who is old and infirm, there is but one small boat. To the north of the closed off mountain pass, the war continues, but as I lean against the eaves and think about my hometown, all I can do is cry.

Other people's translations * https://eastasiastudent.net/china/classical/du-fu-yueyang-tower/ * https://frankwatsonpoet.com/du-fus-climbing-yueyang-tower-300-tang/

• Scenario builder subsection
• Prefab example characters, settings, mascot characters, villains
• Character sheet
• DM specific addendum

To reiterate, the point of being fast-and-loose is to minimize the math. Hit Points aren’t real. They’re based on vibes. Spell slots aren’t real. They’re based on imagination. Experience points? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Dice basics and idiosyncrasies

Dice are used sparingly. All battle actions, checks, and saving throws are determined by D20. Healing and de/buffs are determined by D12. All others (including other polyhedral dice, mood dice, story dice, or whatever other goodies you found at the game store) are all ad hoc to the player. Some example uses of idiosyncratic dice use are: D4 as a consumable item tracker and D100 or mood dice to check an audience opinion poll.

Out of Combat

Outside of combat, the DM may request you perform a skill check or a perception check. Roll a single D20 and use the following rules of thumb to gauge how successfully you perform at the task. When combat is completed, characters may heal without aid being determined by dice. DMs should scale at their discretion.

During Combat

D20	For most actions
1-5	Failure with retaliation
6-10	Failure, no retaliation
11-15	Moderate success
16-20	Major success

D12	Healing, Buffs & Debufs
1-4	Small effect
5-8	Moderate effect
9-12	Large effect

• When combat begins, everyone involved must roll for initiative. This initiative is to determine turn order during this particular battle sequence, only. Initiative does not carry over between battles, nor is it a preset stat.
• Talking is a free action. Movement within reason is also a free action.
• Skill/perception checks, and most melee attacks require one turn. Certain spells may require one turn for set up and a second for execution. Refer to the “Move Set” section of your character sheet for more details.
• A character only has one major action per turn. The player must first declare their intended action, then roll 1D20 to determine its success.
• Hit points do not exist. The DM should use discretion when scaling the success of an action based on the outcome of the dice.
• Area of effect attacks, such as a machine gun or a self-destruct sequence, may require relevant characters to roll a saving throw to avoid splash damage, serious injury, or even KO. If the character’s saving throw is equal to or greater than the damage roll, they are safe. If the character’s saving throw is less than the damage roll, they will take damage. The lower the roll, the greater the damage. The DM should use discretion when determining if a character will suffer any injuries, loss of turn, or KO.
• If a character decides to assist another character, for example, one player steadies a canon while the other aims and fires, the character whose turn has not yet come up in the round will be skipped. They will have their next turn in the subsequent round.
• Injured characters may be asked to roll with disadvantage for the rest of the battle unless they are healed. To roll with disadvantage, roll 2D20 and use the lesser number to determine the action’s success.
• Buffed characters may roll their subsequent action with advantage. To roll with advantage, roll 2D20 and use the greater number to determine the action’s success.
• If a buffed character is specifically increasing their speed, they may perform two actions on their turn rather than using two turns.
• The severity of a heal is determined by rolling a D12 instead of a D20 and scaling success as per the rules of thumb chart above. Buff/debuff spells and items should be gauged similarly.

Attention DMs! Be sure to think about adding some of the following to your campaign.

Mascot character

They may look cute, but they’re your handler. Mascot characters are often region-specific tacky souvenirs that embody their locale. While they do talk to each other via the psychic memo network, that does not necessarily mean they get along, especially with conflicts of jurisdiction.

Villains

Your big bad! Generally, robber baron capitalists and “C-suite” executives—not necessarily mutually exclusive either. These people use their immense wealth of money, power, influence, and even magic toward selfish gains, which is basically more of the above. Some of these folks even have direct ties to the Sugar Daddy.

B-Villains

Your lesser baddies. This tier encompasses mid-bosses and middle managers.

Small fry

Exactly what it says on the tin. Basic bestiary enemies.

Combatant NPCs

NPCs generally do not have access to Magic without extenuating circumstance. Combatant NPCs usually make up for this lack with tech. Add mechas here.

Other NPCs

Literally everyone else.

Additional considerations

A single monster versus a gang of magical girls does not last very long. Instead of drawing the encounter out with minion hordes, consider increasing the number of dice allotted to the monster. For example, a monster with 2D20s allotted could alternate between using both dice to perform an action with advantage and using each die individually to perform two actions on its turn.

If I ever get around to writing Character Sheet Advanced, here are the basic stats you should keep in mind. Use as few or as many as your heart desires, but above all else, be consistent.

Basic stats

STRENGTH	How hard can you hit something?
DEXTERIY	How flexible are you about avoiding enemy bonks? How steady are your hands when you have to aim with precision accuracy?
CONSTITUTION	Assuming you got hurt, how well are you able to continue standing afterwards?
INTELLIGENCE	How much knowledge have you amassed (industry specific or otherwise)?
WISDOM	How well are you able to execute that knowledge?
CHARISMA	How well can you gaslight/gatekeep/girl boss or mansplain/manipulate/male wife your way out of trouble?

Other stats and why they're not included

Hit points and Armor Class: The thickness of your plot armor is entirely contingent on the DM's discretion. Race and Alignment: build that into your character background. Perception and Initiative: These are dice rolls performed in the moment rather than a fixed stat. Proficiency bonus, Range: Weapons have no numbers attached so this is meaningless. Gauge by vibes. Speed: If you want to do literal speed, or maybe an energy drink, proceed as “buffed”. Experience points and Levels: It’s too subjective and qualitative to outline rules for. You wanna bring Saleforce metrics into your off hours? Be my guest, you fucking weirdo. Limits on saving throws: You’re going to look death in the eye and stick your tongue out a lot. Why penalize yourself over your close calls? A death save is literally just Tuesday, bruh.

About YOU

You are a 30-some-odd-year-old schmuck just trying to get by in late-stage captialism who suddenly had the magical girl genre thrust upon you when your powers woke up one day after eating some kick ass burgers. You are not necessarily a girl, per se. You can have any gender you damn well please, or even make it up for that matter. The point is you are a victim of genre conventions.

Name

You know what you’re doing. It’s not like your Magical Girl is paying taxes. If you decide to go more the super hero route, you can pick a name for yourself in and out of magical girl conventions. Transformation sequences are optional.

Occupation

Let’s be real—even the best of us is a little burnt out by the day job. While the sky’s the limit when it comes to magic, that limitation is also built entirely upon your ability to imagine what you want to do with it. “Occupation” is the primary theme around which your magic is built. What do you do at your day job? What tools do you handle there? Do you have any skills that could be transferred to solving mysteries or beating up baddies in the name of truth, justice, and getting a damn break?

Role

While distinct from “Occupation,” this too is a theme around which your magic is built. Think of this as a looser interpretation of the character’s “Class” in a more traditional RPG. Don’t limit yourself to the traditional “bard”, “rogue”, “cleric”, etc. Grab genre by the horns and try something different, like “Overoptimistic Shōnen protagonist,” “Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon but to the left,” or “Mad scientist who forgot ethics boards were a 'thing'.”

Background

This is how you got to where you are today. What did you do to get yourself into your current day job? Do you have any dreams, goals, or axes to grind? How are you connected to the rest the group? What are your individual motivations to be part of the local Magical Girl Union?

Magic

Magic comes in three parts: Move Set, Weapon Proficiency, and Inventory. Move Set is your general abilities and spell list, which can be subject to change at any time. Weapon Proficiency include what tools you work with that could be reimagined as weapons. This is not limited to melee combat weaponry. Improvisation does not hurt you. Inventory constitutes any additional tools of the trade that do not fall into one of the above categories, and any items you pick up along the way.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? – Barry? – Adam? – Oan you believe this is happening? – I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. – You got lint on your fuzz. – Ow! That's me! – Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. – Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! – Hey, Adam. – Hey, Barry. – Is that fuzz gel? – A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. – Hi, Barry. – Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. – Hear about Frankie? – Yeah. – You going to the funeral? – No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. – Well, Adam, today we are men. – We are! – Bee-men. – Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. – Wonder what it'll be like? – A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! – That girl was hot. – She's my cousin! – She is? – Yes, we're all cousins. – Right. You're right. – At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. – What do you think he makes? – Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. – What does that do? – Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What's the difference?” How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. – Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! – Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. – Hey, Jocks! – Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! – I wonder where they were. – I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. – Oouple of Hive Harrys. – Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! – Oh, my! – I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. – Six miles, huh? – Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. – Maybe I am. – You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? – Well, there's a lot of choices. – But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! – Barry, you are so funny sometimes. – I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! – You're gonna be a stirrer? – No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”! I'm so proud. – We're starting work today! – Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... – Is it still available? – Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. – What'd you get? – Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. – You want to go first? – No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. – Any chance of getting the Krelman? – Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? – I'm going out. – Out? Out where? – Out there. – Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. – Look at that. – Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. – Thank you. – OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! – That's awful. – And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. – Antennae, check. – Nectar pack, check. – Wings, check. – Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! – Ever see pollination up close? – No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! – Guys! – This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. – Should we tell him? – I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! – Do something! – I'm driving! – Hi, bee. – He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. – Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? – Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. – You could put carob chips on there. – Bye. – Supposed to be less calories. – Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? “You like jazz?” No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. – You're talking. – Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. – I'm talking with a bee. – Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. – Wait! How did you learn to do that? – What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up. – That's very funny. – Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? – Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. – It's just coffee. – I hate to impose. – Don't be ridiculous! – Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? – I shouldn't. – Have some. – No, I can't. – Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. – Where? – These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, “Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?” Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. – You do? – Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. – Really? – My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. – Why do girls put rings on their toes? – Why not? – It's like putting a hat on your knee. – Maybe I'll try that. – You all right, ma'am? – Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. – Thanks! – Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. – Sounds amazing. – It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. – Do they try and kill you, like on TV? – Some of them. But some of them don't. – How'd you get back? – Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your “experience.” Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. – Well... – Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? – A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! – No, no, no, not a wasp. – Spider? – I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. – Her name's Vanessa. – Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? – They call it a crumb. – It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! – You know what a Oinnabon is? – No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! – Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! – Thinking bee. – Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! – We're still here. – I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! – Then why yell at me? – Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. – Where are you going? – I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. – What is wrong with you?! – It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. – I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. – I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? – Is he that actor? – I never heard of him. – Why is this here? – For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? – Well, yes. – How do you get it? – Bees make it. – I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! – It's organic. – It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. – You almost done? – Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. – And you? – He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! – What is that?! – Oh, no! – A wiper! Triple blade! – Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! – Bee! – Moose blood guy!! – You hear something? – Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. – Bees hang tight. – We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. – What if you get in trouble? – You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! – Hey, guys! – Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. – Oheck out the new smoker. – Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. “They make the honey, and we make the money”? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. – What? – Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. – You wish you could. – Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! – That would hurt. – No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. – Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. – And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, “I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this”? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. – Is that that same bee? – Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. – Hello. – Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. – Frosting... – How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. – Oh, those just get me psychotic! – Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. – This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. – I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, “Honey, I'm home,” without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. – What's the matter? – I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? – No. – I couldn't hear you. – No. – No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. – Where have I heard it before? – I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! – Order in this court! – You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! – Say it! – Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. – Ken! – Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. – What's that? – Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! – You're bluffing. – Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. – You got the tweezers? – Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. – Good friends? – Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? – Yeah, but... – So those aren't your real parents! – Oh, Barry... – Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? – Objection! – I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! – Adam, stay with me. – I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. – Hey, buddy. – Hey. – Is there much pain? – Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? – Why? – The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, “Smoking or non?” Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? – What are we gonna do? – He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. – What if Montgomery's right? – What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! – I think we need to shut down! – Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? – Are they out celebrating? – They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? – What did you want to show me? – This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? – I'll sting you, you step on me. – Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? – Roses are flowers! – Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. – Bees. – Park. – Pollen! – Flowers. – Repollination! – Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. – Where should I sit? – What are you? – I believe I'm the pea. – The pea? It goes under the mattresses. – Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. – I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. – You and your insect pack your float? – Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? – Remove your stinger. – It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. – What'd you say, Hal? – Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? – Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! – Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! – Is that another bee joke? – No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. – Who's that? – Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. – Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? – Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? “The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense.” – Get this on the air! – Got it. – Stand by. – We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. – Black and yellow! – Hello! Left, right, down, hover. – Hover? – Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. – That may have been helping me. – And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – You snap out of it! – Hold it! – Why? Oome on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. – Black and yellow. – Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. – Thinking bee. – Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. – What? – I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! – What in the world is on the tarmac? – Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! – Vanessa, aim for the flower. – OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! – Not that flower! The other one! – Which one? – That flower. – I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. – This is insane, Barry! – This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! – Yes. No high-five! – Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! – Thank you. – But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. – When will this nightmare end?! – Let it all go. – Beautiful day to fly. – Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. – Thinking bee! – Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that. The whole bee movie script.